Robin's History of mental illness
In this post, I'm just kind of documenting what I know that makes up the current state of Robin. I'm not sure I'm going to post everything at first, but I will mention the important things.
It probably needs to be mentioned that the women on Robins side of the family all have had some sort of mental illness. Her mother & both of her sisters do. I know her sisters are both taking standard medications to address it and I think for the most part it works for them. Robin's mother suffered dementia at the end and her father went through the caretaker stages of dealing with a spouse that suffers mental illness. Robin was affected by her mother's death and learning of some of the details and worries that she is going to have the same thing happen to her in the end, and worries that she has passed it on to her daughter. I believe Robin's mother's mother also suffered from mental illness. So it was baked into her DNA from the beginning, and in my opinion, amplified by several traumatic incidents throughout her life.
I believe for the most part, Robin had a happy childhood, and had a good family upbringing in a small town in upstate New York. Her parents were good people. Her two older sisters were typical older sisters. There is a dynamic with her two older sisters that I will address in another post that does strongly influence her current state of mind.
One of the early traumas that happened to her in her younger years was the death of a cousin that she was close with. I don't any of the story revolving around the death. Robin has only mentioned in briefly to me in person. But I accidentally came across an old journal of hers (probably from her middle school or high school years) where she was writting to this cousin after his death. It was very apparent that there was a deep scar there, and his death changed Robin. When she got into High School, she started developing her personality. She had a High School sweetheart who was very popular. Not just with other kids her age at their high school, but with all of the parents. Everybody frickin' loved this guy Jonathon. They still do. Robin's sisters still gush over him in front of me (a tad jealous I will admit). But his parents did not like Robin. She wasn't good enough for their precious boy. I'm sure this made Robin feel like shit. She didn't do anything to deserve it from these snotty parents, but they weren't shy about their feelings and didn't care if she knew about it or not. Then something happened that ended their relationship and changed the course of Robin's relationship with her family. I'm not sure of the trigger point or what exactly happened. But I think it happened at the Prom or some other important school dance. They had a fight and she left and went to go party without him. Nobody knew where she was. He was worried and got the parents involved and everybody was looking for her and fearing she was in trouble. She came home eventually and everybody let her have it and told her how disappointed they were in her. Her sisters still mention it and make her feel bad because of it. Robin soon started taking on the personality of a "rebel" within the family and did things that disappointed & worried her parents for many years. The next guy she dated was one of those diappointments. He was not a nice guy. He was a dick. I think she just dated him to get back at everybody and piss them off. Then something else happened to make her mental state even worse (not ready to go into details on that...but it was bad...and your guess is probally right). She started going to a small college in New York, and not long into her college life, she joined the Disney College Program and headed to Florida to work at Disney and get college credit. And she entered the next phase of her life...
being out on her own. When she moved to Florida to work at Disney, it wasn't supposed to be perminant. But it eventually did become that way and she stopped going to college and just stayed in Florida and was officially on her own. She immediately dated & lived with a guy that was really bad for her mental state (there was physical abuse involved). She eventually got out of it and tried surround herself with good people and enjoyed the Disney Employee life. She often liked to be alone and read. Nothing wrong with that. But she always felt like an outcast. She dated a couple good guys in there too. And somewhere around this time is when I met up with her. We were work friends at first. Nothing serious. I thought she was nice, attractive and I could make her laugh. But we were both dating other people so nothing really started then. But then we both were single at one point and I did ask her out. We'd occasionly would go out, but she was very reluctant on going to the romantic side of things. She liked keeping me in the friend zone. She would come and go in my life over the next 10 years. Whenever we would start getting too close, she would disappear and move in with some guy that was bad for her. I don't know the details of the relationships with "crazy" Kurt or the guy she was with just before she did eventually give in to my romantic pursuits...but those two guys were not good to her mentally. I think there was some weird shit going on and bordered on mental abuse. But why was she attracted to those type of guys. I know she dated at least 4 guys that were just horrible to her. Did she think she wasn't a good person and needed to be punished? I often ask that question in my head. When I was trying to date her and she was saying no...let's just stay friends...she would often say things like "I'm trouble". "You don't want to date somebody like me...I will mess up your life". Very down on herself.
There were times where she would invite me over to her apartment, and then pretend to not be home and never open the door, even though I could see her shadow in the window. She would tell me to meet up somewhere, and then never show. I'd wait hours for her. At one point, she was living near Sarasota, Florida with her last boyfriend and had disappeared on me. I had no idea where she was and figured I would never see her agains since she pulled a disappearing act on me. In Sarasota, she had a really bad job working for a software testing company. The managers there didn't like her and made her feel bad about everything. And around this time, she was in a scary car accident. A truck plowed into the back of her car. She wasn't seriously hurt. But it scared her big time. It still lives with her and is apparent if you drive a car with her as a passenger. She is sure you will be in an accident and it causes her panic. But in some ways, this was a good turning point for Robin. She decided to leave her crappy job, and started working for a TV station. I worked for a similar TV station (and eventually went to work for this same company she was at). But she contacted me after being MIA for awhile to let me know. She thought I'd like that. Suddenly we were talking again. And then shortly after that, she got her first library job and loved it. She was starting to feel good about herself. It was around this time I was getting ready to move on. I got a job offer up in Ohio, and headed out. Robin came up to Orlando for the going away party, and stayed overnight at the house. But still wanted to be in the friend zone. We said our goodbyes and I headed up to Ohio in September of 2001. Then 911 happened and she re-evaluated her life and decided to leave her bad boyfriend and come be with me in Ohio. She snuck out on him and moved up to Ohio in an apartment near by. It was all good at first. Then I started seeing the first signs of mental illness (even though I kind of already had). Out of the blue she would be angry with me. It was actually shocking at first. I remember being at work and getting ready to go out for lunch. I invited her to meet me. I left work and got in her car all cheerful and bubly and was met with a very angry Robin. I had never seen her angry before. And she yelled at me. And was angry about anything I said or did. I was speechless. I had no idea why. I still don't. Then she started to do the thing, where she would pretend she's not home again and refuse to come to do the door after I just talked to her on the phone. We've talked about it since and she doesn't know why she did that to me on multiple occasions. But it was a sign. I think it could be a mutiple personality thing. It could also be anxiety or a small panic attack or something. I started chalking it up to maybe it was all because it was "her time of the month". That could have been part of it. But it was more than that. Other signs of it came later on. Especially when we did trips. I think prepping for a trip has always stressed her out and she is very angry during the time leading up to trip departure. So it was always a non-joyful quiet time when we were getting ready to leave. But once the trip started...happy Robin would come back. And all was fine. On one trip, after I had seen this a few times and was used to it, we got to the stage where we had begun the road trip, and were about a mile in. She took a deep sigh, and then looked at me and it was as if I could see the transformation from angry to normal Robin happen right before my eyes. She even said "okay...I'm back" and it was fine after that. But then another reaccuring thing started happening on trips...probably stress related. She would become "silent Robin". It first happened when we went to Chicago to visit my brother and sister-in law one Christmas season. One night we were going to go out on the town, to dine, have drinks and go see a comedy show. Out of nowhere, she just stopped talking. And would refuse to talk. I had absolutely no clue as to why. Was she mad at me for something? Did I do something wrong? We weren't fighting. Nothing seemed to lead up to it except for driving in city traffic shortly before. But it made for a very odd night. We ate, and started to go to the show...all in silence. But I kept asking what was going on and she wouldn't answer. She pretended like I wasn't there. I don't know why. I told her I didn't want to go see a comedy show anymore if she angry about something, because I'm confused and sad and don't know what's going on. The next day she started being herself again...but eased into it. I still don't know why that happened. The same thing happened on our next trip to New York City. We were out sight seeing and suddently "silent Robin" was back. I don't know what triggered it. But this time it didn't last as long. She snapped out of it when she realized she left her purse at the top of the Empire State Building. We ran back there and found it. And she seemed to be back and was embarrased that "silent Robin" had made an appearance. This personality has pop up more and more over the years, and maybe has taken over to some degree. Those first two times were so confusing to me that I couldn't even process what was going on. But then I guess I started getting used to it. "Angry Robin" would pop up out of the blue too and just be mean to me for no reason. Again, I started getting used to it and accepted living with some of the bad for the good. She was still the "good Robin" most of the time. I fell in love with that Robin. She was a kind and sweet person.
Once our relationship became serious and were heading towards marriage, I started being introduced to her sisters and parents. I quickly learned that there was a strained relationship between Robin & the rest of her family. But apparently her parents and sisters were happy that I was a part of her life and she seemed to be coming back to the family again. Her parents were happy that Robin was calling them and visting them again with me. Robin was settling down with a nice guy instead of one of the bad ones she always seemed to be with. Her sisters pulled me aside and thanked me for being a good influence on her. I started to see that she had put her family through some tough times because of her move to Florida and cutting them off. Robin also had a falling out with her best friend, Michelle. They lost touch for years. As we were getting married, I tracked her down and reuntied them. It was a good thing. Everybody seemed happy that Robin was "good Robin" again.
Then, we got married.
One of the early traumas that happened to her in her younger years was the death of a cousin that she was close with. I don't any of the story revolving around the death. Robin has only mentioned in briefly to me in person. But I accidentally came across an old journal of hers (probably from her middle school or high school years) where she was writting to this cousin after his death. It was very apparent that there was a deep scar there, and his death changed Robin. When she got into High School, she started developing her personality. She had a High School sweetheart who was very popular. Not just with other kids her age at their high school, but with all of the parents. Everybody frickin' loved this guy Jonathon. They still do. Robin's sisters still gush over him in front of me (a tad jealous I will admit). But his parents did not like Robin. She wasn't good enough for their precious boy. I'm sure this made Robin feel like shit. She didn't do anything to deserve it from these snotty parents, but they weren't shy about their feelings and didn't care if she knew about it or not. Then something happened that ended their relationship and changed the course of Robin's relationship with her family. I'm not sure of the trigger point or what exactly happened. But I think it happened at the Prom or some other important school dance. They had a fight and she left and went to go party without him. Nobody knew where she was. He was worried and got the parents involved and everybody was looking for her and fearing she was in trouble. She came home eventually and everybody let her have it and told her how disappointed they were in her. Her sisters still mention it and make her feel bad because of it. Robin soon started taking on the personality of a "rebel" within the family and did things that disappointed & worried her parents for many years. The next guy she dated was one of those diappointments. He was not a nice guy. He was a dick. I think she just dated him to get back at everybody and piss them off. Then something else happened to make her mental state even worse (not ready to go into details on that...but it was bad...and your guess is probally right). She started going to a small college in New York, and not long into her college life, she joined the Disney College Program and headed to Florida to work at Disney and get college credit. And she entered the next phase of her life...
being out on her own. When she moved to Florida to work at Disney, it wasn't supposed to be perminant. But it eventually did become that way and she stopped going to college and just stayed in Florida and was officially on her own. She immediately dated & lived with a guy that was really bad for her mental state (there was physical abuse involved). She eventually got out of it and tried surround herself with good people and enjoyed the Disney Employee life. She often liked to be alone and read. Nothing wrong with that. But she always felt like an outcast. She dated a couple good guys in there too. And somewhere around this time is when I met up with her. We were work friends at first. Nothing serious. I thought she was nice, attractive and I could make her laugh. But we were both dating other people so nothing really started then. But then we both were single at one point and I did ask her out. We'd occasionly would go out, but she was very reluctant on going to the romantic side of things. She liked keeping me in the friend zone. She would come and go in my life over the next 10 years. Whenever we would start getting too close, she would disappear and move in with some guy that was bad for her. I don't know the details of the relationships with "crazy" Kurt or the guy she was with just before she did eventually give in to my romantic pursuits...but those two guys were not good to her mentally. I think there was some weird shit going on and bordered on mental abuse. But why was she attracted to those type of guys. I know she dated at least 4 guys that were just horrible to her. Did she think she wasn't a good person and needed to be punished? I often ask that question in my head. When I was trying to date her and she was saying no...let's just stay friends...she would often say things like "I'm trouble". "You don't want to date somebody like me...I will mess up your life". Very down on herself.
There were times where she would invite me over to her apartment, and then pretend to not be home and never open the door, even though I could see her shadow in the window. She would tell me to meet up somewhere, and then never show. I'd wait hours for her. At one point, she was living near Sarasota, Florida with her last boyfriend and had disappeared on me. I had no idea where she was and figured I would never see her agains since she pulled a disappearing act on me. In Sarasota, she had a really bad job working for a software testing company. The managers there didn't like her and made her feel bad about everything. And around this time, she was in a scary car accident. A truck plowed into the back of her car. She wasn't seriously hurt. But it scared her big time. It still lives with her and is apparent if you drive a car with her as a passenger. She is sure you will be in an accident and it causes her panic. But in some ways, this was a good turning point for Robin. She decided to leave her crappy job, and started working for a TV station. I worked for a similar TV station (and eventually went to work for this same company she was at). But she contacted me after being MIA for awhile to let me know. She thought I'd like that. Suddenly we were talking again. And then shortly after that, she got her first library job and loved it. She was starting to feel good about herself. It was around this time I was getting ready to move on. I got a job offer up in Ohio, and headed out. Robin came up to Orlando for the going away party, and stayed overnight at the house. But still wanted to be in the friend zone. We said our goodbyes and I headed up to Ohio in September of 2001. Then 911 happened and she re-evaluated her life and decided to leave her bad boyfriend and come be with me in Ohio. She snuck out on him and moved up to Ohio in an apartment near by. It was all good at first. Then I started seeing the first signs of mental illness (even though I kind of already had). Out of the blue she would be angry with me. It was actually shocking at first. I remember being at work and getting ready to go out for lunch. I invited her to meet me. I left work and got in her car all cheerful and bubly and was met with a very angry Robin. I had never seen her angry before. And she yelled at me. And was angry about anything I said or did. I was speechless. I had no idea why. I still don't. Then she started to do the thing, where she would pretend she's not home again and refuse to come to do the door after I just talked to her on the phone. We've talked about it since and she doesn't know why she did that to me on multiple occasions. But it was a sign. I think it could be a mutiple personality thing. It could also be anxiety or a small panic attack or something. I started chalking it up to maybe it was all because it was "her time of the month". That could have been part of it. But it was more than that. Other signs of it came later on. Especially when we did trips. I think prepping for a trip has always stressed her out and she is very angry during the time leading up to trip departure. So it was always a non-joyful quiet time when we were getting ready to leave. But once the trip started...happy Robin would come back. And all was fine. On one trip, after I had seen this a few times and was used to it, we got to the stage where we had begun the road trip, and were about a mile in. She took a deep sigh, and then looked at me and it was as if I could see the transformation from angry to normal Robin happen right before my eyes. She even said "okay...I'm back" and it was fine after that. But then another reaccuring thing started happening on trips...probably stress related. She would become "silent Robin". It first happened when we went to Chicago to visit my brother and sister-in law one Christmas season. One night we were going to go out on the town, to dine, have drinks and go see a comedy show. Out of nowhere, she just stopped talking. And would refuse to talk. I had absolutely no clue as to why. Was she mad at me for something? Did I do something wrong? We weren't fighting. Nothing seemed to lead up to it except for driving in city traffic shortly before. But it made for a very odd night. We ate, and started to go to the show...all in silence. But I kept asking what was going on and she wouldn't answer. She pretended like I wasn't there. I don't know why. I told her I didn't want to go see a comedy show anymore if she angry about something, because I'm confused and sad and don't know what's going on. The next day she started being herself again...but eased into it. I still don't know why that happened. The same thing happened on our next trip to New York City. We were out sight seeing and suddently "silent Robin" was back. I don't know what triggered it. But this time it didn't last as long. She snapped out of it when she realized she left her purse at the top of the Empire State Building. We ran back there and found it. And she seemed to be back and was embarrased that "silent Robin" had made an appearance. This personality has pop up more and more over the years, and maybe has taken over to some degree. Those first two times were so confusing to me that I couldn't even process what was going on. But then I guess I started getting used to it. "Angry Robin" would pop up out of the blue too and just be mean to me for no reason. Again, I started getting used to it and accepted living with some of the bad for the good. She was still the "good Robin" most of the time. I fell in love with that Robin. She was a kind and sweet person.
Once our relationship became serious and were heading towards marriage, I started being introduced to her sisters and parents. I quickly learned that there was a strained relationship between Robin & the rest of her family. But apparently her parents and sisters were happy that I was a part of her life and she seemed to be coming back to the family again. Her parents were happy that Robin was calling them and visting them again with me. Robin was settling down with a nice guy instead of one of the bad ones she always seemed to be with. Her sisters pulled me aside and thanked me for being a good influence on her. I started to see that she had put her family through some tough times because of her move to Florida and cutting them off. Robin also had a falling out with her best friend, Michelle. They lost touch for years. As we were getting married, I tracked her down and reuntied them. It was a good thing. Everybody seemed happy that Robin was "good Robin" again.
Then, we got married.
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